Last time I wrote that I don’t have the luxury of arguing. It’s not something to pity, but it is a reality that is so deeply frustrating. Be honest or be isolated. Below is a conversation I wish I had the luxury of having:
Yes, I can ask for your honest opinion, but it doesn’t mean I have to just take whatever is said. Or that I can’t be hurt by it. I already trusted you not to judge me in that moment as I thought you had a better understanding of me. You’ve seen the multitude of chances I’ll give someone and the compassion I hold and still. Friends are supposed to be there for one another. It doesn’t mean I can be a dick, but I genuinely thought about it and went it’s okay, he’ll understand family is so difficult. He said if there’s a problem he’ll say. But you don’t without prompting. We’ve had this conversation before multiple times, at Tom Jones and outside the gym— we both know you can be harsh. This is not new. You decide quickly what’s acceptable and what’s not and drop the rest. And I admire that, but it also exists. So it makes me scared to fail in front of you— I said that was in my head as a concession but it’s not. Of course I needed reassurance. You go through periods where you enjoy hanging out all the time, and then periods where you seem frustrated by it. If it’s not fun you check out, and life is up and down for all. I don’t know, man. I really respect you. I think you have a lot of kindness, I think you’re strong, I think you’re smart and caring. And I am very thankful to be your friend. But without details everyone knows family is a deep struggle for me. I needed that care and some support— not judgement. If you feel the need to bite back and say well I was judging them— you’re damn right I was. My step-father is the best parent, full blown grown ass adult, I had— and he still chooses to disrespect my boundaries. K is different, to be honest I barely know him. My step-dad claims him as a child so I’ll claim him as a brother— but he also chose to disrespect my boundaries. I still offered him kindness and time. And it’s so complicated because my life has been complicated. I love my step-father. He tried his best. He’s a good man but a bad man. They are a reminder of that complicated life, and I’m deeply trying to move on from it because it was horrific. It’s nothing to do with Tazzy country bumpkinness, I love that that is part of me. I don’t care if they want to have some fun— but I do care when they come into my home and step on me in the process. They represent me— and I am ashamed. Because I’m young and learning how to separate someone else’s behaviour from my own even if you don’t see it. Even if it seems fine to you.
I trusted you. I fully fucking trusted you in that moment to be on my side and have compassion. I’m sorry that was off-putting to you. I completely understand from your context that’s hypocrisy. You have not lived my life— you do not know my life. My family has always treated me with love that is conditional and often cruel, intentional or not. That is okay, but it also means you truly cannot understand. So yes, try empathy, for your friend. It’s okay if you still can’t get there. I still love you, man.
At least I have a blank wall to chuck this at. But I also have so much warmth in my life and for that I am very grateful. This is just a blip— and everything will always be okay xx
You did well with what you have, sweetheart. And you’re going to continue to do so. You’re very strong, and you’re trying your best. You’ve already beat the statistics. It’s an immense privilege to pick your own numbers.
Until next time, self. You got this. You’re good.
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