I Love You

This blog represents a yearning for connection and curiosity. There is a contradiction within me, a deep desire for that connection but a repeated pattern of reaching for it from those that cannot meet those desires. This is not the separation from personal responsibility, but an acknowledgement of a pattern. 

For context, my personal relationships have changed recently, and in a way I'm proud of the depth of pain I feel. The first friend that I truly loved that I lost; I couldn't engage with that emotion without a buffer of anger. When she reached out to reconnect I couldn't resolve my anger because I'd processed nothing, just stagnated in my hurt. I had reached a point where I no longer forgave. It's a good defense mechanism, and my life and relationships had been spaces of unconditional forgiveness, regardless of the cruelty I experienced. Like a swinging pendulum, I'd gone from one extreme to another. As I'm aging I feel closer to balance. I hope and seek to stop the newly noted arc.

My most recent friendship dissolution has reached a point of anger as well, but it does highlight patterns. I seek emotional connection from those that cannot meet it, they are unwilling to provide. I humanize intensely and it is not my job to make excuses for people not trying to make their own. In a way this humanization that I value in myself may be a form of control as I try and separate their personal responsibility and their circumstance. We all fuck up and it's often messy, this is not a call to disengage with this urge, but to assess it in a way that acknowledges personal agency and doesn't validate my ego, negative or positive. This all sounds pretty wanky so the below will outline the situation because maybe you're nosy and I need to vent and I need to feel understood and I need my biases to be highlighted. I need to learn, not to avoid pain, but because in the face of change or loss, and that's how I feel in these losses of relationships, as a visceral grief, there has to be learning. Not so that the experience has value and is thus necessary, but so life may be more peaceful. 

My friend got a new partner. She'd always struggled with relationship change, and I'm often a space for deep vulnerability, not that it's necessary to form friendships, but I believe honesty is the basis of genuine connection. Brené Brown hit me hard. I don't know if that's what started a precedent for normalizing all actions, I'm unsure. On with the story. Control is often demonized, but we're all animals trying to feel safe and loved and accepted, so when she would ask my advice and tentatively step into her own pain I would be realistic and accepting. With her past friendship context her thought processes made sense. Thus, friendships would be separated and actions judged that resembled past exposure to patterns by others that caused pain. I'm still talking like a tosser, but essentially, she'd be like I'm nervous for you to interact with these people because what if our relationships changed. What if they liked you more? What if I lost my place in this space? I would assure this would happen at her own pace or not at all. I would normalise that desire for segregation because I understand it, I think we all do. We want to feel special and valued and there. 

We both supported each other through a lot, and my mental health was often in struggle. She was so patient, and honest. I'd get into loops, talking about pain, and while it didn't mean I had no space for others, it did mean I would stall in my own life. I'd struggle to be brave and address patterns from others that hurt, because they had context, either explained or I'd give it to them. I eventually reached this transitional stage where I'd just ask. Then I would address. And sometimes this was good, and sometimes it wasn't. As is all conflict. Have you ever heard or that term, safe risk? I think I talked about it in my last post, but it's the necessity for safe conflict in relationships as its a place of growth. It doesn't mean arguing with your partner just cause, but conflict can be vulnerability in asking for a need and feeling safe with compromise or conflict in the face of expression. There's other examples. I'm not very sure I explain things well or maybe I don't understand, probably. 

Back to the story again. She had a long time crush on a man she was close to. He didn't know and was in and out of relationships throughout their friendship, and over time, we met. It wasn't something I pushed for, or sought. And it was all in her own time. After the first time, a group camping trip with the three of us and an eventual surf, my friend had uhmed and ahhed, she wasn't sure she still wanted to be friends with him, wasn't sure she wanted us to meet again as she struggled, was sure, wasn't. Eventually I met him again, at a show of his. I'd been invited by her, I didn't think much of it. Said hi. Then the same continued. She invited me and another boy who was her new crush and my good friend at the time to a party at his place. It was nice, I barely spoke to him, hung out with her and my good friend, and obtained a lift home with him so I didn't stay. She did. The next day, I picked her up, or I think I did, I forget now. Either way, we spoke and she said she didn't like his friends, and he'd changed lately. They weren't into the same things, so maybe there wasn't space for the friendship in her life anymore. I said things change and that's okay but if we value those around us and feel safe enough and brave enough, it's okay to talk about that and give it time. She eventually did talk to him about it, after a few months of distance, and he was understanding. It was difficult again for friendships to change. 

I might be mixing up my timelines, but I know that was the last time I saw him. My friend got this partner, who was a casual mate of mine. He'd said she was beautiful and of course I told her and she asked him out and they kissed and it was so lovely and I was so happy. It's not that we need romance in our lives, but it was wanted by both of them and they both genuinely liked each other. We'd had those conversations, in preservation of friendship; 'don't let me know be that person obsessed with my partner', 'don't let me be that person with no time for my friends', but it's essential in a way, to nest and block it all out and get your data, your bearings and unfurl out of your relationship cocoon as you find new balance in your priorities and friendships. I think it is, and I believe that friends remain, like family, as landing pads for safety and love as these new lines are eventually drawn or balanced. They're also places where versions of you exist. So I'd said, 'I won't, but give it time and if you are, I'll tell you'. I'd been consumed by relationships in the past, and I'd never achieved that balance. I wanted that for her, and I wanted her to know I'd be there even if she had to live it too. 

A few weeks after, her friend reached out to me. I'd posted a selfie online for attention and I'd gotten it but not only from the source I'd expected. He'd commented prior, but it was nothing more than a friendly exclamation and I didn't typically post that type of thing, but in a way I was lonely and had been suffering from navigating my other friendships and relationships. He'd asked if I wanted to get coffee, and I immediately thought of my friend. I asked for clarification. Was it a date, or seeking friendship. I screen shotted his response and sent it to her before I responded. He'd said more of a friendship sort of thing and that he hadn't thought about it. She responded and said we should. I can't remember if it was over text or verbally in the car, but she said she didn't know what she was worried about. Isn't it a good thing for her friends to get along? 

So we did. It turned out to be a drive and an exploration and we talked and laughed and it was nice. The following night we had a dinner booked in, not as a date, it was with her and her new partner at my house. In a way, a celebration of her new relationship. And we drank and talked and walked and laughed, and he and I swam and she kissed her new boyfriend and hovered, and then went home. Her friend, now mine, was staying in his van as he'd drunk and I invited him in, not in a bonk kinda way, but in a yap kind of way, and so we talked and talked, and talked and we slept in the same bed but not for that, but because we talked and then he kissed me. And all I thought of was her, she how she'd struggled and so did he, because he was also her best friend and we both loved her. We both agreed to talk to her, before anything happened, if anything happened, because not talking felt wrong. So we did. Or I did, and then he followed up. She said it's okay, and that it's exciting and wanted details. 

And then she didn't. She said she didn't want to know anything but that it's okay. It was hard but I understood, and I heard about her relationship and heard her questions and concerns and listened and I resented her. I have little family, and the one I do have, our relationship is not typical. My good friend had been distancing himself for a while and was on his own search for a partner. I had no one to call, and I had not had what resembled a healthy relationship before. I was terrified. Which may sound dramatic but was true. She had a close and loyal family, intimate and supportive friends, and now a partner who fit into the friendship group without exclusion and I couldn't talk about or show mine, or it was too much. It's a fair boundary, not that it needs me to to validate, but I understand it. And I resented it. 

He'd shown up with flowers and asked if I wanted to date him exclusively and said his intentions were good (he used better words, but I forget). He listened to my worries and smiled and joined in with my awkward responses via notes because I was too shy to say anything too vulnerable out loud. He was so kind and so handsome in the way only a kind person can be. We had our growing pains, he'd messed up early on, not in a cheating sense or a permanent sense, but in a way that meant I needed a friend and I couldn't have that with her, which was not her sole responsibility, but a friendship of depth takes time, and while I was working on it and branching out, I did not have someone that close. After a few weeks, she said it's okay, you can talk about it and we moved on. 

Since the beginning of our friendship we'd done most things together, or talked about the things we didn't do together together. And obviously things changed as they do when people get into relationships. There was a mismatch though, and I put it down to this was her first relationship and she was leaning in, and I'd had many, and I was leaning out. I was scared of over consumption, of losing my social network and becoming isolated. We were in different positions with different contexts and it made sense. But that did mean our priorities were different. She was my number one, I was her number two. 

I'm not sure if that's where it started, but I felt anger from her. Messages became passive aggressive and I was told I was assuming, it's not how they're meant, I always assume. I did to be fair so I thought okay, I'll work on it. I'll ask, and then I talked about things too much. We were different. I thought okay, maybe she bent this whole time. I've done it before. Maybe my need to talk created pressure for her to do also. I'll talk over things less. She'd ask for changes, can we meet down her way more. She's always traveling up to me. Yep. That's fair, let's do it. She started cutting me out of things she'd asked to do together. 'Do you want to learn tennis? We'll get a coach'. Then it was, 'I'll play with my boyfriend, he's real competition'. I said nothing, because wanting independence or separation from a close friendship sometimes makes sense as long as expectations either side are clear. She'd asked me for four months straight to apply to her work. She'd said it for her other job also. 'I know you're struggling, I'll send you reminders to do your resume. Just submit. We can do it together. I need notes on mine, I can give you notes on yours'. 

Sometimes I feel like relationships making you happier gets a bad rep. But he did to be honest, I felt good. My friendship changing was destabilizing but at the time I thought it was just how it was and it made sense. I sent in my resume. I told her straight away, after, not before because sometimes I say I'm going to do something and then I don't and I feel worse. I was so excited. She responded with 'I'm setting a boundary. You can't work there, it's a place I really love and I need it separate from you. I hope you respect this'. In a way I understand, we shared a lot, this was another thing. But she'd asked me to apply, and so I did it. She said, 'I didn't think you were going to so I didn't tell you my feelings had changed, I understand you've already applied but you can actually apply elsewhere, I'm not going to let this slide, don't disrespect my boundary'. And I texted, long drawn out texts of frustration, seeking to understand and seeking to be understood. It's like I was searching for a person who wasn't there. And I knew things had changed and I'd seen her do this to others-- the girl we'd gotten coffee with who she decided was too much of a stoner, so we shouldn't be friends, the girls who'd asked to hang out with her, but she wasn't feeling it as they weren't as fun, friends who had changed so she didn't seek them anymore and that's okay. We all do that in a way, there's a filter for our own peace. But I think there was a part of me that thought I was immune to the cycle and I was safe and I'd known it was changing but I didn't admit to myself how much. I told her she was mean and so she became mean. I know we're often blind to who we are, and she did not swear at me or insult me, but she did describe me as something I'm not and I realised at that point we had very different views of who I am. When the conversation had stabilised I asked if she wanted to hang out, she said yes, but then cancelled, and it hit me. What had just occurred, this had been boiling for a long time and I said that and she denied it and then we didn't talk for a while. I sent Merry Christmas, and HNY, and said thank you for our adventures even if we aren't as close anymore. She said nothing. She still showed up at an ongoing game night we had at my house, but unfollowed me on social media. Eventually I said if we can't talk we need to organise a new location, because it's difficult having someone who won't talk (not in a beat a dead horse way, just in an any way) in my home. She said, 'I understand but I don't see myself being friends with you anymore. If I see you in public, I'll be civil'.

Later my now boyfriend said the night of the party he said he liked me to her. Then she'd ghosted him for months and told me him and his friends weren't her sort of people anymore. I truly don't know if I'm overwhelming in close friendships, or if this was what did it. Or the new relationship, or changing as people do. I don't know if I lacked utility, or value. I don't know if I didn't change at the right pace or in the right way or I wasn't her sort of person and I know people say that doesn't really matter. But a person I loved is gone from my life and it feels like a death. By that metric, many people have died. The others I can understand, and I was so angry. But I think I'm very tired of understanding and I'm tired of being angry. So we're back to the pendulum swing, and I was to offer it to Z, not to this girl. The first friend I loved that I lost. It's okay you couldn't apologise, I'm sorry I couldn't give you a clearer answer and the emotional safety you needed. I didn't have the tools. I hope you're better now, or happier, or loved in the ways and at the distance you need. 

This has been a long one, but another one will come. Unless I'm saying something I'm about to do and I don't do it. But I think I will. My cat died, and I loved him too. And that's grief and this is grief and a lot of life is really. I hope you and I find a blanket for our hearts, and stability for our heads. 

Thank you as always, 

UBC