I'm going to the UK this Christmas. I went last Christmas to see relatives after my grandmother passed. That trip was a lot of things, some I really enjoyed and some I didn't. I didn't like spending time with my father. I did like spending time with my grandmother's sister, however I'm worried I made a bad impression. I spoke to her like I spoke to my grandmother and she was hurt because she felt I argued with everything she said. I worry that because she has now met me she pities my gran more for having to deal with me. I worry that I hurt my grandmother in the same way. My aunt says you can't blame a child for acting like a child, and it's the adult's responsibility to make their happiness where they can. She also says that the actions of children always appear different when looking back on them with an adult's perspective. It makes me feel like I should view my progression from child to adult like a switch, whereas it feels more like an evolution that isn't fully formed. I can see and understand child me just as I can see and understand adult me. It's like driving up a hill, not the resistance but the journey. I'm still in the car.
I've lived with my aunt this past year. It's hard because she's the child of my grandmother, and I'm learning that for all the things I did know about her, there are just as many I didn't know. Really hard things. I stand by the idea that she was a good human, the best even. But she struggled so hard to get to that point, and I never gave her the credit or compassion for that growth.
I'm really struggling with identity lately so I keep trying to find a comfortable place to sit. I was born in 2000, and some say that makes me a millennial, some gen z. No, the reality is I'm gen z. It makes me sad because it makes me feel even further away from my gran. I googled it and it says that she was a part of the silent generation, she was born in 1941. Under each classification of generation there's normally a blurb, something that speaks about the context of the names they go by and a brief introduction to the lens they saw the world through; differences in politics and financial situation, exposed conflict and social and cultural values. I think that was another reason why being a part of gen z bothered me so much. The parameters of it didn't fit with my experiences of life outside of historical events and to put it in childish terms; it wasn't the identity I wanted.
The thing is, even before I knew what to call gran's generation, I had an understanding of her context. I knew she was born during the second world war, and that her first memories were formed during it, I knew that she grew up in post-war Cardiff with relatives and family and friends who fought and served and I knew that shaped her as a person and influenced her values. I knew she came from a large family and that she was the youngest. And even as a child I knew the impact these things had on her in a modern day setting. I could understand why she found it hard sometimes to talk about emotions, and there was genuine empathy when it came to her struggles with technology and the rate in which things change and the fear that comes with that. I feel it some days.
I was raised by a woman born in 1941 and for all the modern things I could share with her, she reflected them back to me through a different generational lens. I developed a fear of phones, and changing technology. I isolated myself from social media because I didn't understand it, and because the idea of constant connection gave me anxiety and made me feel as if I was losing a freedom of sorts. I rejected the idea of streaming services because I felt that the consistency of television was more reassuring. When I say these things, people coin me as some sort of wannabe, you know, those people that yearn for a different time so they reject their own. So this pain I feel at being lost, and not understanding so much around me that I should understand is made fun of as a choice, and all I can think is how hard it must be to be old and alone and with no one to bridge the gap and someone losing their patience, at explaining things that people were left behind by. Which I did with gran sometimes, I am gen z. I think aging is scary, and adults are expected to have too much understanding for those younger without being offered the same in return. I suppose it can't always be offered. Kids are dumb. I'm pretty dumb.
This is going to sound insincere, but it's that tightrope thing. Teetering in two directions. I really miss my grandmother. I was thinking about it, if I ever had a kid. She would've loved it, she loved children. I'd have to figure so much out on my own and she wouldn't be able to share in that and then I get angry at myself because I feel like I'm naming her as some sort of security blanket. I just want her to be able to experience all the things she didn't get to see. I want her to see me happy.
So, the UK. I hope I see gran's sister again. I'm going with my room mate this time, rather than alone. Here's to better impressions and better experiences. Is it too early to say Merry Christmas? Probably.
I've lived with my aunt this past year. It's hard because she's the child of my grandmother, and I'm learning that for all the things I did know about her, there are just as many I didn't know. Really hard things. I stand by the idea that she was a good human, the best even. But she struggled so hard to get to that point, and I never gave her the credit or compassion for that growth.
I'm really struggling with identity lately so I keep trying to find a comfortable place to sit. I was born in 2000, and some say that makes me a millennial, some gen z. No, the reality is I'm gen z. It makes me sad because it makes me feel even further away from my gran. I googled it and it says that she was a part of the silent generation, she was born in 1941. Under each classification of generation there's normally a blurb, something that speaks about the context of the names they go by and a brief introduction to the lens they saw the world through; differences in politics and financial situation, exposed conflict and social and cultural values. I think that was another reason why being a part of gen z bothered me so much. The parameters of it didn't fit with my experiences of life outside of historical events and to put it in childish terms; it wasn't the identity I wanted.
The thing is, even before I knew what to call gran's generation, I had an understanding of her context. I knew she was born during the second world war, and that her first memories were formed during it, I knew that she grew up in post-war Cardiff with relatives and family and friends who fought and served and I knew that shaped her as a person and influenced her values. I knew she came from a large family and that she was the youngest. And even as a child I knew the impact these things had on her in a modern day setting. I could understand why she found it hard sometimes to talk about emotions, and there was genuine empathy when it came to her struggles with technology and the rate in which things change and the fear that comes with that. I feel it some days.
I was raised by a woman born in 1941 and for all the modern things I could share with her, she reflected them back to me through a different generational lens. I developed a fear of phones, and changing technology. I isolated myself from social media because I didn't understand it, and because the idea of constant connection gave me anxiety and made me feel as if I was losing a freedom of sorts. I rejected the idea of streaming services because I felt that the consistency of television was more reassuring. When I say these things, people coin me as some sort of wannabe, you know, those people that yearn for a different time so they reject their own. So this pain I feel at being lost, and not understanding so much around me that I should understand is made fun of as a choice, and all I can think is how hard it must be to be old and alone and with no one to bridge the gap and someone losing their patience, at explaining things that people were left behind by. Which I did with gran sometimes, I am gen z. I think aging is scary, and adults are expected to have too much understanding for those younger without being offered the same in return. I suppose it can't always be offered. Kids are dumb. I'm pretty dumb.
This is going to sound insincere, but it's that tightrope thing. Teetering in two directions. I really miss my grandmother. I was thinking about it, if I ever had a kid. She would've loved it, she loved children. I'd have to figure so much out on my own and she wouldn't be able to share in that and then I get angry at myself because I feel like I'm naming her as some sort of security blanket. I just want her to be able to experience all the things she didn't get to see. I want her to see me happy.
So, the UK. I hope I see gran's sister again. I'm going with my room mate this time, rather than alone. Here's to better impressions and better experiences. Is it too early to say Merry Christmas? Probably.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Hanukkah and holidays besides.
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