Doctor

Two and a half failed relationships and now I'm 23. You know what made me stop the constant search for stability and distraction? Doctor Who. I remember the first episode of NewWho in 2005. I remember my mother dragging me out every Monday night to watch the weekly episodes as they released. I remember falling in love with Eccleston, the genuine grief I felt at his loss. I remember the tears at it all. I won't rehash, because you know-- spoilers. Doctor Who was the program that taught me what love was, what a good life should look like and the nuance in which we approach and run from our pain and our joy. There's so much media that influenced who I am and what I want, but none moreso than Doctor Who. It taught me that not only was intelligence something that could make the people in your life proud, but it was desirable, admirable. It taught me strength in kindness, and self-indulgence. I wanted a love like Rose, like Rory, I wanted a friend like Donna, like Amy. I needed to know that sometimes, no matter how good you are, you will be the Martha and that's more than okay and you are still brilliant. 

I haven't touched the series in years, I struggled with adjusting past Peter Capaldi and my constant fear of change lead to a refusal to explore what the program would look like with that continued deviation and another change of writers. A recent rewatch hit all the same notes, as it always does. I was that child again, because I have always been that child. My birthday came and I could feel the loss of my Grandmother, even though Doctor Who represented who I was before I moved in with her, and who I wanted to be outside of the scope of her sense of value. There were plans made, to face some of that grief I haven't felt in years, those memories. Of course I couldn't do it, but I haven't even been able to start, so that's a change. Whenever I write about Doctor Who I feel this deep sense of indulgence, like because I grew up alongside it, that it somehow represents my life and that I own it. Like I went through those adventures. True escapism. I've been escaping ever since. Into relationships that don't fulfill me and never will, into definitions that I am not but aspire to be. 

There were some real old world values that ingrained themselves into me and when I talk about it, people assume I'm throwing them at others. There's a lense that existed for my life, based on my context and about me. The first person I was with should've been the one I married. It's all supposed to work out if you love each other. You can only be with people you love. Sex and love are so closely aligned, to separate them is a disservice and whenever I did, it just confirmed it. The last one, the half one. The uni pauses, the therapy. Do I blame it on the grief? Did I mislead myself somewhere along the way? Was I so poorly formed because all I was was a collection of values seen in media and nabbed from those around me, no trunk of myself to lean on that, that it was inevitable that I would seek stability and love in others and really this was the best outcome I could hope for? I don't know. I know I love Doctor Who. I know I'm staring to feel more solid. I know I have a good job now, and options for my future. I know I'm worth more than I thought I was. I had all the lines, but when they were trodden over by myself or others, I thought, that makes sense, of course. I know when to refuse an apology.

Mind you, that whole paragraph was a mess, so I've got a long ways to go. So it's not all jumbled and desperate and pleading. So it's whole. I want to be whole. So I don't get a car loan one day, god forbid. A loan on a depreciating asset. I love that that's the new bar. Watch Doctor Who. I want to talk to more people about it. 

I want to lead a life that doesn't disappoint a fictional character.